Thursday, March 29, 2007

I just don't get it...

So once upon a time...there lived a girl...
Oh forget it...
I'm seriously at a loss. I have no idea what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling the way I am or where it is even coming from! I feel guilty, I feel hopeless, I feel angry, and I'm sick of hearing "That is not acceptable". I mean I "try" (I'm not allowed to say this because everything is supposed to be a "result" and "try" or "trying" is not acceptable) so hard everyday to be positive. I get up, take a shower, get ready as if I am leaving for work, I go downstairs (where I am currently) to spend 3-4 eye crossing hours, looking/applying/emailing about different jobs/positions and then I have to muster up some sort of energy after feeling like a loser because it's been 5 months with no job and clean a house that obviously is my "job" since I don't have a "job" but yet it's still my "job" even if I had a "job". I feel like screaming! No really, I feel like putting on a pair of sneakers, grabbing my purse, and walking away from this unforgiving life! I feel like I should be walking on egg shells when my husband comes in from a long day at work. Is it ok to joke, is it ok that I'm sitting on the bed watching tv?, should I pretend to be working? I mean seriously, does he think I want to be home, bored out of my mind looking for a job most of the day, weeding through the crappy jobs (ya know the ones where they want you to 1) be a telemarketer and call people and try to sell soap on a rope2) stuff envelopes3) if you give us money we will send you a program that will allow you to make thousands of dollars an hour) and feeling like a complete, incompetent, loser? Ok fine, I'm fat, I've struggled with weight my entire life (well except when I was 5 and I actually had abs!). I remember being teased horribly as a child because of my weight. I've never been good at anything. The only thing I have accomplished in life is graduating from High School and getting married to a guy who doesn't beat me. So with that said, everything else I have attempted I've "tried my best at" and that my friend "is unacceptable" because it does not pay the bills. Every job I have had has not been good enough, but yet, I'm to settle for a $7.00 an hour job because I left a $13.75 an hour job because the job was crappy. I'm so confused and so ticked off as to why I'm the one who is always having to change and the other person (that would be my husband) is allowed to say "You married me like this I'm not changing". *throwing hands up* So I give up then! I can't handle it! I'm so done with feeling like this! I grew up in a miserable family, I've tried to over come it, but I am thrown these wonderful fast balls that just bring back down to where I started. It's so great to look up and see no one up there trying to help you back up. *sigh*

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