Monday, November 23, 2009

Buckle Up....its a long one!

I don't even know how long it has been creeping up...this feeling...that has finally overwhelmed me. As a friend put it to me in a text this morning "...you are no longer the bubbly Ann I know is in there...". I feel like a hypocrite and I am even having a stinkin pitty party about it! Is that even right?!?!? NO! this would not be acceptable if one of the dorm students came to me like this! I would be telling them "Snap out of it! Look at what all the good the Lord has done for you! Look at how far God has brought you!" and yet, I can't even take my own advice and "snap out of it" *sigh*. I'm emotionally drained. I care so much about all those around me and do everything I can to help them through their trail. On a daily basis I tell myself that I need to stop doing this to myself (you know, not eating healthy, not exercising, and no caring about it!) and I think "I'll go to the gym first thing tomorrow!" but tomorrow comes and goes and well it just doesn't happen *double sigh*. I am always leary of posting these kinds of things on the internet for all to see. Not because of my pride, but because I don't want to come across as a complainer and never have anything good to say. But I really really really really really need to get this out!

I have faults (ahem, as you can see from the first paragraph) and I fail the Lord on a daily basis. So with that said, why is it that when I deal with Christians on a daily basis, there are so MANY who never take the initave to do what needs to be done. For example (really this is only an example, no slight at any of our lovely, wonderful and amazing dorm students) we have a community fridge in the dorm. This is where we put all the food that is given to us by others (such as churches, friends, family and so on that everyone is allowed to have) and I hadn't even realized until last week that it hadn't even been cleaned out in I don't know how long! Now, the students are in and out of that fridge on a dialy basis, and yet not one cleaned it out. So I go in there, and start loading up the trash can, cleaning out the shelves, wiping off the crusted food off the shelf and so on. As I do this, I think to myself "what in the world, do these kids not care?" but then my thoughts change to "Maybe they never had to take this kind of initiave before..." either way, what in the world! lol So one of them suggested I make it a dorm duty...well I could but I would much rather see them take the initiative and clean it out!
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of thinking of everything. I am tired of asking for help (now that is hard for me because I want to do everything and I want it done my way but over the years God has really been working on my heart about that and well I have become more "lax" if thats a word lol) and receiving the response "well I don't have the program to do that so I can't really do it". Or "I don't know how to do it so I can't do it" or "Well you already know how to do it why don't you". UGH!!! At that point I want to scream a that top of my lungs and beg God to just please take me home! I know its an exaggerated feeling, but I'm serious here! I don't even have anyone to go to talk to them about the situation that would be able to fix the situation because they agree with me and then complain to me and then don't do anything about it!!!!! I love everyone around me. I truly do. Outside of these sitiuations we have a great time. Lots of laughing and smiling and fun times. Right now, I'm just to the point where I know bitterness and anger are brewing inside of me. I'm not "happy" anymore. I'm not.......ME anymore. I know I need to give it to God. Thats what I would tell anyone who came to me with this same situation. I know I have to get over myself, and be thankful. Yep once again, something I would tell someone else. I know its hard and if it were easy everyone would be doing it, once again my own stinkin advice! But....No Ann, there is no "but" in this, its either God or you......

I'm sorry its long and drawn out...sorry its my pitty party/venting blog!

I just needed a listening ear, I mean a reading eye...

Now I'm gonna get up, go get in the shower, eat some real food, and get over this. Move on....become what God really wants me to become...I'm even gonna smile! I can do this right??? I mean of course with God's Help!

James 1:3 "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience."
As much as I would never ask for it, I know God has a reason for all this. I know He understands. I know He is there....I just have to listen...quietly...without distraction....with out my fleshly pitty party....without myself...and with my heart and allow the Holy Spirit to guide! I know I HAVE too!

3 comments:

Sarah W. said...

Ann, I totally know how you feel! You wouldn't believe the responsibilities me and Jake have. People will come in and out of the office all day long just laying things on our desks, and piling it on. We always hear, 'you guys are smart, I'll let you handle it.' Everything we know, we learned by trial and error. Jake taught himself Quickbooks, we taught ourselves how to run the websites for the girls home and the church, etc. etc. etc. We had no training, just a job that needed to be done and we had to figure out how to get it done. We made a lot of mistakes, but now we know how to and how not to do it. I don't know what it is these days, but you're right some folks just have no drive! I definitely know EXACTLY how you feel. Sometimes you just want to close the door and work on your OWN stuff. I wouldn't even mind taking the time to show someone how to do it, but that's not what they're wanting. Or what is worse is when you show them how to do it thinking you won't have to do it for them anymore and yet they still bring it to you! :/

Ann Marie said...

I know Sarah. I'm sure everyone could relate to this moment. Its a melt down. I have come to terms that I just can't do everything. Now the next step is how do I tell others? UGH! I love what I do, when I am able to actually do what I'm SUPPOSED to do and not everyone elses work! I'm avoiding the end result of some people will just get angry. Sarah, I never realized how hard it really would be to be part of the ministry. I know God is preparing me. I understand it now when someone says serving in the ministry is "lonely". It really is. I just need....i dont even know at this point....thank you for being there and understanding :) It really does mean so much to me :)

christine said...

Generally speaking, college students have never lived on their own and are not accustomed to taking initiative when it comes to cleaning. Some people just really do need direction, including me! :) I can imagine it would be difficult to take on several 'children' at one time; you are essentialy in a 'mom' role, which includes preparing them for life without a mommy living with them. :) I'm always here if you need to vent verbally over the phone. :)