Please, if you have something else better to do…then you should probably stop reading now! This will be one rollercoaster of a blog…..
Maybe I should break it down into several blogs….maybe I will once I
throw up release all my thoughts…..
First things first….
I’m one HUGE mess. I don’t know why. I just am. I no longer walk with a smile, talk with a laugh, grin with trouble. I’m just me, lost in thoughts and feelings. Trying to understand what exactly is going on in my life. I have been feeling guilty for quite a few things and I think that is what is bringing me down.
I’m feeling guilty for not eating right. My heart aches for a baby. One that Tim and I have created. That God has given us, and yet in my selfishness….I can’t just eat right. Its not that I’m addicted to food or anything (though during the colder months, food is amazing lol) its just that I’m so tired all the time (because I’m not eating healthy) and don’t have the energy (once again for not eating healthy) to create a healthy meal. You know, cutting up fresh fruits, veggies, and nut milk. I don’t have the money (since Tim lost his job) to buy the organic meats and breads and fruits and veggies and nuts and almond flour and all the new things I’m learning about in many blogs of those who have gone to eating whole foods! I mean I can afford them, I just once again am to tired and run down to shop around for the best deals. *sigh* I keep telling myself that once all this junk is out of my house then I will be going back to the healthier options. But then I go out shopping and give up on healthy and go with convenience (WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!? LOL) and yet I stay up until all hours of the night reading about the spunky coconut, just making noise and so many more who have gone gluten free, sugar free (refined that is) and dairy free and they inspire me, and yet…I just don’t do it. I look at how they feel how happy they seem, read about their adventures and so on and I realize I can do it…but I CHOOSE not too….*bigger sigh*. I know I can do anything I put my mind too…I mean….if I’m motivated enough! So I struggle with this issue and you know what the Lord does? He gives me a special gift. One that brings tears to my eyes and at this very moment, the moment I think about it, I feel so special! It is a bitter sweet moment. Last Tuesday I received a text from some of our best friends. Rich’s dad, who has been struggling with his health, had been in the hospital with double pneumonia, failing liver and kidneys. His dad, not a saved man, was recovering well and was to be released last Wednesday. Well the text I received said that Rich was headed to MA, to see his father who had suffered 3 strokes within the last 24 hours. I spoke with Kerry and offered to come to her house and help her with her 1 ½ year old and her 5 week old. Later that evening I received the devastating phone call. Rich’s dad, who was 58 years old, had passed away. I later learned that hours before he went into a coma he accepted Christ PRAISE THE LORD! Kerry asked if I would be willing to watch Luke, their 5 week old. I of course told her I would do whatever she needed me to do. For five days I watched this beautiful little Luke. He is a breastfed child, who had to be on formula because there wasn’t enough of mommas milk to last him the whole time. So I got to experience a colic child. I’ll be honest. If I based my decision on having a child on those long nights of screaming as if I was torturing the child I would tell my parents and my in-laws “you will NOT be receiving grand children from us!”. I mean, every night between the hours of 12:00am until about 3:30 am I was bouncing, walking, rocking, holding in a pacifier, burping, and every other thing I could think of to comfort a child who was suffering from a very unhappy tummy. Tears pouring out of my eyes, pleadings with the Lord to help Luke feel better, taking deep breaths and signing songs in his ear, whispering prayers and love to him. By the time all this was over, he slept and I slept…until it was time to eat….10 minutes later…..but it was the mornings, when we awoke for the day. He would have his morning bottle, I would change his diaper, put him in his cute little outfits for the day, and then he would look at me and give me the biggest toothless smile I have ever seen, that would make my heart melt, would make my sleepless night worth every bit of this precious little face. He would coo at me, gaze at me, smile when I would smile. And then, he would stare out the window, his blinks would get long…and then this peaceful babe, would be asleep, and dreaming of yummy milk from his mom, I’m sure. When I kept saying to Tim, during the late evenings early mornings of no stop screaming from a little one “I can’t do this! I wouldn’t be a good mother” he would just smile at me and tell me I was a “dork” because I would be. God gave me a renewed strength in my time of weakness. He gave me a new outlook. He gave me a new love. He turned my tickler back on. And today, I realize, that the last few days, was a gift from my Father. A reminder of what He can give me, if I just trust. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to do my best, beg the Lord to continue to help me. And with this fresh in my mind my life style will change. Wow, so that was the first thing…..
Its Christmas time…and well…I don’t have a tree this year….again….*SIGH* I know that is not the reason why we celebrate Christmas. But my tree, holds so many memories. Each ornament on that tree was either handed down, given to me by someone special, or bough to celebrate a special moment in my life or marriage. It just breaks my heart that I don’t get to put it up for the second year in a row. I know God brought us to Michigan so Tim could finish his schooling. I know Tim lost his job for a reason (though we still struggle with why) and I know our things are not in Michigan for a reason! I just wish I had my tree. God has been so good to us. I mean, we have not gone without, not one time! We have learned over the last year (it was one year exactly November 11th!) that God really is in control and when you try to take over, well He lets you, and then you make a big mess out of something that could have gone a lot smoother had you not have tried to control the outcome! So many lessons learned over and over and over…..
My passion for photography is starting to go out of control! I have always had a passion for it since the 7th grade. I took a class in black and white photography. I learned how to make my own camera out of a shoe box. My teacher was so impressed with how well my pictures came out (we processed them ourselves in a dark room) that he asked if he could have my camera (you know the one I made out of a shoe box). From that moment on,
I became a picture Nazi, I have always had a camera in my hands. My first digital camera was a Nikon coolpix. I LOVED it. But its 4 years old and well, it just doesn’t take as good of pictures as it once did. So now I’m trying to figure out how to come up with $900.00 so I can purchase a Canon Rebel. I have seriously been considering taking Photography classes at the local Community College just so I can understand the different aspects of digital photography. I would love to have a business that specializes in the many events of life. I would love to be there as a Father and Mother welcome their new little bundle of joy, I would love to watch the face of a groom as his beautiful bride walks down the aisle, I would enjoy being creative as a Senior celebrates their last year of High School. I mean there is so much you can do, and make money at the same time! I mean who really has a job that makes an income and they LOVE doing it?!?!? Here is to hoping…that maybe… .santa…the Lord will bless me with one this Christmas!
Well, sorry this is so long! I can’t believe I had so much in me and that you were willing to read the rollercoaster of thoughts, feelings, and sillyness! I have so much more to write but my brain cannot continue with this madness….until next time….
I pray that God continues to help me in my journey of a new healthy me….That God grants us one of the best Christmas’s ever, and that photography will no longer be a dream, but a reality!