Saturday, April 10, 2010

A Running Thought...

So its been a while; longer than I wanted it to be. Life is spinning its cycle way to fast, and it doesn’t look like it’ll be slowing down anytime soon. March was gone with a blink and now April is looking like it’ll only be over in a blink as well. I know some would say that this is a good thing. I have mixed emotions about it.
This year I turned 30. Though age is not an issue to me, the fact that I have no children is my issue. Age does not bother me, but the fact is, my biological clock is ticking faster and faster. If children are to happen they need to happen within the next 9 years! God is good to me though, I trust in Him daily that He knows my heart and my desires and with that He will give me a peace that only He can give.
Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
The thought of adopting has come up in conversations between Tim and I. Though I know if God would not allow us to have children of our own and gave us the opportunity to adopt, we would be thrilled, the feeling of wanting to create something that is made of the both of you, that represents our unity as one, is something Tim and I long for. We know that this may not happen, and I believe our hearts would be ok, but its still a strong desire we have.
Its almost the end of Spring Break at the college and honestly, I’m not emotionally or physically ready for them (that would be the kiddos) to come back. I don’t know if I’m that point where I have given so much emotionally that I feel as if I couldn’t give another ounce. Or if I just can’t handle another battle of wills. That’s what we struggle with around here. We have Christians at different maturing ages, and with that comes constant re-adjusting and the emotional toiling is….well just draining! Lol I am so thankful for this position in that we have been taught so much! I know we constantly joke about not having kids after this, but honestly we have a GREAT group of kids here. The hardest part is watching them grow, and know that the decisions they are making right now will NOT end in a good result, but because we know that we need to give grace and space….with that comes the hard fact that we have to let them make their own choices and let them see how those choices lead to certain consequences. It is one of the most interesting things to watch. God has done some BIG things around our campus. The preaching has been full of fire, hearts have been rekindled and decisions have been made. But with every BIG thing God does, the devil comes in with everything he’s got, to destroy the spirit. And that’s what we are struggling with most right now. Tim made a statement to me in the car last night as we were headed to pick up one of the students from work. We were discussing some of the issues we are still struggling with from some of the students, and how we feel like we are taken for granted most of the time around here. Tim said to me at one point “When you are a subordinate, you don’t see the big picture like you do when you are a leader.” I just smiled and thought to myself “I have married such a wise man.” Lol. It’s so true though. One of the greatest lessons I have learned being in this “leadership” position is that it’s lonely on top. With every “leadership” position you are critiqued for every decision you make. A friend of mine quoted recently on her facebook page “I have learned that you can’t please everyone…but it is possible to make them all mad at the same time.” I laughed so hard as I read this because it’s so true. It’s funny now the students will want us to be one way, let them do what they want, be irresponsible, and so on but the minute you show the rule book, that they signed, after they have taken advantage of the inch we give them, then we are the bad guys. It really does make Tim and I laugh, but at the same time, after we have invested hours upon hours, heart to hearts, tears and every ounce of our being with them, it does break our hearts to hear some of the things they “think” of us. With that said, I do take a moment and think back to when I was 18 or 20 and think about how I thought I knew more than “they” knew and how now at the age of 30 I wish I would have paid more attention the advice that was given to me. The cycle of life is funny like that, always making you remember back to when you were young.
God has really been working on my heart about many things I need to “fix” in my life. For example, being a little more patient (no I haven’t prayed for this! Lol), thinking before reacting to situations ( I fail at this often but am getting better at it!), being more understanding to those who are “needy” and so on. I love the feeling of when God is working on me. It lets me know I’m right where I’m supposed to be in His will!
Well, I should wrap this up. There is so much to say, and I’m going to try and do better at posting more often. Maybe if I shared more often I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed to blog! Lol
Please continue to pray for Tim and I as we take a step of faith in the new adventures of the school moving and Tim finishing school. God has met every need and we are trusting in him Fully!

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