As I pillowed my head last night I felt it coming. That feeling of emptiness I always feel this time of year. I always try and shove it to the deepest part of me. I always try and overcome it with happy thoughts, joy and excitement for others. Its no ones fault, it’s nothing anyone can stop but its there. A feeling that I have longed for all my life. As a young girl, growing up, I always loved watching children. Playing with them, babysitting them, and running around with them. I was told by just about everyone who saw me working with children that I would be such a great mom. I would just smile and feel that “warmth” in my heart knowing that one day I would be a mom. Tim and I married 9 years ago and within our first year, I had two miscarriages. As I’ve stated before I didn’t know, either time, that I was pregnant. It never really hit me until the last few years as Tim and I both have had such a strong desire to start our own family. My first miscarriage was twins and the second one was triplets. They would be between 7 or 8 today if the Lord would have allowed me to carry them. I am not bitter at losing them. I look back at the first 5 years of our marriage and realize that we may not have made it had we had had such a large family so early. God has always been good to me in the fact that He gave me such a loving and understanding husband. He doesn’t know my pain, but he is there to comfort it. He doesn’t know the hurt or the empty void that I have but he is there to mend my heart and encourage me in the Lord.
Sometimes I find myself thinking of the what ifs. I think of what they may look like. Would they have had my eyes and my husband’s lips? What would their personalities be like? Would they have Tim’s wit and my compassion? Would they be boys or girls or one of each? God has his reasons for taking them and I’m ok with that.
Today in Sunday school class the lesson was on “A Mothers Heart”. It spoke of Hannah and how she wanted a son and how she would go to the temple and pray to the Lord about being blessed with one. She promised the Lord that she would give him back if He allowed it to happen. God did answer her prayer and she had a son named Samuel. At the age of 2 or 3 she brought him back to the temple and left him there to learn the way of the Lord. Every year she would make him a coat as he grew and she prayed for him often.
After hearing and teaching this story I knew it was just for me. There is time and time again that I can recall as to why Tim and I haven’t had children before. We weren’t ready for them, we worked in a ministry that we wouldn’t have been able to do had we had children, we wouldn’t have been able to come back to the college for Tim to finish his degree and we would not have been the dorm parents. Up to this point I understand why we don’t have children and I accept it. I know God has something in store for us and I just need to trust that He will give me the desires of my heart.
God is good to me and I am thankful for so many friends who have been so encouraging. Please pray for Tim and I as we seek the Lord for his will and pray for a family.