Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Starting well but also finishing...

Psalms 37:4  "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart."
 My heart has been burdened by several things and I have been thinking, dwelling, meditating on them and searching Gods Word for peace, understanding and comfort.

Tim and I have had many talks about wanting a family.  I dream often of what it would be like to hold a bundle of joy, created by Tim and I.  Just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. I've thought of how I would tell Tim that I was pregnant...imagining his face lighting up and the hug and tears of joy we would experience together.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, watching my stomach grow, anticipating the day we find out what the gender is.  I have considered what they may look like, cuddling with them, taking in the soft precious sent of newness, seeing their first smile, hearing their first cry, witnessing their first word, watching them meet milestone after milestone.  I read of my friends who have babies and my heart aches to experience their life.  For years I struggled with the fact that we have not been blessed with such a precious gift.  Mothers day seems to be the hardest for me.  I've never desired something so much as I have to carry a child in my arms that was....ours.  To have names picked out, ideas of what you would do with their rooms, how family would visit more often, and the list goes on.  Watch their faces light up as their daddy walks into a room, letting my friends spoil them rotten with hugs and kisses and many gifts.  I could go on and on what I dream of...but reality is...well its just that...reality....

The Lord knows my heart....I believe He has given me peace as to why it hasn't happened yet.  You see...Tim and I had to work on our marriage....Tim also had to finish college....We also had to be called to a church, ya know settled down.  Though I had moments through out the last 10 (almost 11)  years of really wanting to have a family....God always whispered "Just wait" to my heart...well I THINK thats what was being whispered....and then a few weeks ago it happened....

I was talking to my friend Jennifer (shes a Trauma Nurse, not sure that, that matters but it may explain why we were talking about stuff lol) and I was telling her how I was going to start working out with a friend of ours and I had a realization.....wait for it.....here it comes.....I'm a great starter of things....I can get the troops rallied up and send the charge....and I could start out into the moment....but I never seems to follow all the way through....get to the finish line....and as this realization came to me...I was in shock....and my heart broke...and I knew what was going on....

Ya see...I have been given all the tools to do whats right.  I know what I need to do....and I may start doing it but I just never get around to finishing it....and well thats shameful.  I've never admitted that before...I guess this is better then never...and not only have I never admitted it...but now I admitted it and the next step is to be accountable! Oh dear....this should be fun!

I started working out last week...I felt really really really good! Monday came and I "tried" to talk myself out of it, then I remembered that whole "you  never finish what you start" talk I had with myself and Jennifer and knew I needed to go.  So I did...and it was my best workout yet! So here is tuesday....and I ate junk all day...well I mean...I had some peanut M&M's, Mini Snickers, Cheesy Doritos, then I made breakfast for Dinner and had soda and a few more peanut M&M's afterward....When I add up my calorie count...I only had like 1600 calories..which is well below my intake amount for my weight but it still stinks that I put so much sugar in....so today....well I should say tonight...I want to start over.

I want to get healthy, I want to eliminate those things that I know is why I am having such a hard time with my weight.  I want to do right! I want to do all of this...because one day, the Lord is going to bless me with a child and I want to be healthy so that I can enjoy it.  I've never felt as good as I do right now so I know that it will only get better.  I just need to stick with it.  I want to stick with it! I have friends who encourage me.  I can trust in my Lord to keep me strong! I can do this!

So why did I post this? For accountability? Encouragement? Support? because I just needed to say it!

I watched a youtube video tonight (funny thing is, i was looking for some creativity and got something totally different!) of a lady who had won a cricut expression (if you don't know what it is it doesn't matter other than its a $300 product) and she said that she had promised the person she won it from that she would pay it forward.  So she gave the example of a lady who had shared her story of infertility.  She talked about how she made a banner and put it on her spare bedroom door.  As she would walk by she would touch it and tell her self that one day this will be a nursery.  And one day...it did become a nursery but it took years before that happened.  I want that same motivation....I want to remember why I am doing it...not just because I would love to have a child (if in the end I don't end up with a child I  know the Lord will give me something or maybe I will be able to share my story with others and help others I don't know...) but because I want to be healthy, I want to serve Him with all that I have, and I don't want to be hindered by something that I could have some control over.  

Inspiring Quotes
Failure is only a fact when you give up. Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?
The secret of success is having the courage to begin in the first place.
If you get up one more time than you fall you will make it through

From the one who starts well and WILL finish well!

1 comment:

Erika said...

First you made me cry. Then you made me smile. I know you can do it, Ann! Just keep at it (and stay away from my blog on Tuesdays!) I'll be praying for you. :)