Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Who am I?

The answer to that question is different today than it was 25 years ago.

Today I am a preachers wife.
25 years ago I was 7

In 32 years I've experienced a bit of life.  I went to public and Christian school.  I went to a Baptist college.  I married a preacher.  I have one dog.  I have 5 babies in heaven.  I may never be able to have children to hold and watch grow.  I am a Pastors wife.  I still love to laugh and smile.  My best friend is my husband and he seriously knows me better than myself at times.  I still struggle with fitting in.  Some things people said to me when I was younger still hurt me today.  July of 2011 is the first time I experienced true betrayal in the ministry and the Lord was the only one who could heal my broke heart from it.  I have come to terms that I am sensitive.

Today I struggle with a broken heart.  Wish I could say what it is that was really bothering me.  Afraid to put it into words because I don't want to hurt others.  Thankful that I don't have to.  I know the Lord knows my heart and He will give me comfort.

Today, I wish for more money.  Not to be rich.  Not even to put food on the table. I just want wish I could go see my grandparents.  My family keeps telling me it may not be much longer.  My heart breaks just typing that.  I love all of my family but my grandparents are the second closes thing to my parents.  They hold such a special place in my heart.  They gave me wonderful summers, the opportunity to go to a Christian Highschool, paid for a lot of my college.  They gave wonderful advice and to see them now, having such a hard time...I just wish I was there to help them...give my dad a break from being down there so much...and I just need more time with them.
Today, I wish I was stronger, more loving, full of grace and mercy.

Today, I wish my heart would stop hurting, calm down and be more faithful....

Thats who I am could change tomorrow....and I'm not the same as yesterday.....I'm just going to focus on today.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

So Many Meanings,,,

Sunday we honor our mothers.  This day tends to be extremely hard for me.  I put on a smile and wish those around me a Happy Mothers day and I smile at their children.  I will hold some of the babies and squeeze them a little more.  I will think of all my mom has done for me.  How much she protected, provided and loved me.  I will think about her many sacrifices and how she has cheered me on over the years.  I will think of my Nanny (grandmother) and how thankful I am that she raised my mom and how she has been such a wonderful support over the years. I will think of my dad's mom and how much she sacrificed to raise my dad.  I will think of my Husbands mother and how grateful I am that she raised a good godly son who adores me.  

I will then think of those little babies the Lord has for me in heaven.  I will think about how I KNOW why it was for the best but how I yearn to just see their precious faces, see their smile, and hug them day...when the trumpet sounds...I will :)

I will be reminded that if I "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." Ps 37:4

I know one day the Lord will bless us with an addition to our family.  As I grow older each year, I feel I become more desperate for that moment.  My husband, a gentle, patient and loving man, reminds me that God's time will be perfect.  I know this....I really do....and when the moment comes...I will adore my children so much more, I will appreciate the precious life and I will do everything I can to raise them to Love the Lord.  

I know one day it will happen....I still can be kinda hard....ya know...

So mothers, love your babies today, be thankful for them, and even when it is difficult and at times you are overwhelmed, remember, they are precious gifts from the Lord. :)

Happy Mothers Day! 


Ann Marie 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

It's going to get better....

I know it will.  I know all the hard work that I have put into the last 4 months will be worth it all.  Its not that future I struggle with.  Its the daily moments.  Monday I woke up tired, but feeling ok.  Tim and I spent some much needed quality time together.  We took a long lazy drive through the country, stopped and got a bite to eat, chatted about things and the future.  We met friends for dinner, he went and played ball I went shopping with friends.  My day ended was wonderful....I loved every moment....


Tuesday and Wednesday came and well it was nothing like Monday....

I don't know how to describe what I go through when "moments" hit me.  At times I feel the weight of the world, at other times I'm just sick to my stomach and the thought of getting out bed is way to overwhelming....

If you have never struggled with hormone imbalance then you would think what I'm saying is crazy.  And to be honest...I would agree with you.  That is how I feel a lot of the time.  Crazy....

At night is the hardest for me.  I dread going to sleep.  I will be so tired and lay down to sleep and about an hour later I will wake up with this "anxiety" feeling like my body is about to burst and go in 7 million different directions.  I'm not worried or depressed about is literally my body battling the overwhelming amount of hormones.  By the time Tim gets up in the morning to go to the office, I finally fall into a deep and wonderful sleep...only to wake up a few hours later way to tired.

When you start to listen to your body you begin to realize what to expect.  I used to have these "anxiety" feelings all the time when I worked at the Law Firm in Maryland.  What I didn't realize is...I had started losing weight there (walking to work, eating healthy, watching my calories) and as the pounds dropped the anxiety became grater.  I only realize this I'm having the same issues.


Like I said in the beginning....I know it will be worth it, I am excited, I remind myself of how far I have come.  But these moments can at times be overwhelming.  Yesterday I spent 90% of the day in bed, overcoming a  nauseous feeling and frustration.  I spent a lot of time praying, reading my bible and knowing that tomorrow will have to be different....

Tomorrow is today and I feel a little better....I feel way to sensitive about things but at least I'm up, showered and sitting in my office considering losing my self in crafting....its a start.....


On a better note...I'm down another 2 pounds that would be 46 pounds...YES! so close to 50!!!