Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Who am I?

The answer to that question is different today than it was 25 years ago.

Today I am a preachers wife.
25 years ago I was 7

In 32 years I've experienced a bit of life.  I went to public and Christian school.  I went to a Baptist college.  I married a preacher.  I have one dog.  I have 5 babies in heaven.  I may never be able to have children to hold and watch grow.  I am a Pastors wife.  I still love to laugh and smile.  My best friend is my husband and he seriously knows me better than myself at times.  I still struggle with fitting in.  Some things people said to me when I was younger still hurt me today.  July of 2011 is the first time I experienced true betrayal in the ministry and the Lord was the only one who could heal my broke heart from it.  I have come to terms that I am sensitive.

Today I struggle with a broken heart.  Wish I could say what it is that was really bothering me.  Afraid to put it into words because I don't want to hurt others.  Thankful that I don't have to.  I know the Lord knows my heart and He will give me comfort.

Today, I wish for more money.  Not to be rich.  Not even to put food on the table. I just want wish I could go see my grandparents.  My family keeps telling me it may not be much longer.  My heart breaks just typing that.  I love all of my family but my grandparents are the second closes thing to my parents.  They hold such a special place in my heart.  They gave me wonderful summers, the opportunity to go to a Christian Highschool, paid for a lot of my college.  They gave wonderful advice and to see them now, having such a hard time...I just wish I was there to help them...give my dad a break from being down there so much...and I just need more time with them.
Today, I wish I was stronger, more loving, full of grace and mercy.

Today, I wish my heart would stop hurting, calm down and be more faithful....

Thats who I am could change tomorrow....and I'm not the same as yesterday.....I'm just going to focus on today.

1 comment:

Faith, Friends & Flip Flops said...

25 years is a long many things in our lives can change. I read this post and my heart broke for you.

First thought was wow,,,she is young! haha..because 25 years ago, I was 23!

Then I can only imagine the heartache of looking forward to having a precious little baby to hold, only for that dream to never happen.

As for the true betrayal in the ministry.. I am so sorry you had to have that experience. I know first hand what that is like, and how discouraging that can be. Sometimes it seems that those who are suppose to be our greatest encouragements are often our greatest let downs. Causing our greatest griefs. I wish could give you a good reason...but I don't have one. But, I do know that you can take that experience and determine that you will not be that stumbling block for anyone else. Take how you felt and make sure you are never purposefully responsible for making someone else hurt like that. Yet, also take it with you that sometimes those people maybe just didn't know how to handle the situation correctly...not an excuse..but a possibility.

As for having money, I am like you. I don't need to be rich. I would just like to have enough money to be a blessing to others. Like heart wants so much to send you all you need to spend some time with your Grandparents. I would love to set up airline tickets, send you spending money...and tell you take that time that you want...but, unfortunately my checking account and my heart are miles apart. But I do know that I can pray that God will give you comfort at this time...and I can ask on your behalf that maybe someone whose heart and wallet are a little closer together with feel the need to do what I can't do.