Friday, August 17, 2012

Sometimes It Just Needs To Be Said....

For the last few years I have worked hard (with the Lords help of course) on my attitude.  I have been trying to be more positive and believe that life is not as "bad" as I grew up thinking it was.  There was a combination of things in my younger years that made it difficult but at the age of 14 I was given a new outlook on life.  I may not have "jumped" right in and been the happy girl I should have but after years of encouragement from my husband my heart has seen that positivity is better.  If you looked at my actions from today...you would know that I still struggle with being a positive person.  I fell a little...ok fine....A LOT!

I blame most of it on hormones and some on feelings.  Neither are good excuses.  If you saw my status earlier in the day you would know that I was really struggling.  My heart was broken a few days ago and I just didn't have time to "deal" with it because of our trip.  I knew I was exhausted and though my "inside" thinks I can rule the world my outside hinders me from that (and I know it is probably a good thing for the rest of ya'll).  Once the status hit...I immediately started receiving comments of encouragement, text messages and even phone calls.  Even my poor husband tried to come and comfort me.  I was ready or willing to accept it just yet.  I knew what I needed.  I needed to be alone and with the Lord....

I went on a trip to learn about my country and how we were founded on Christian Principals but my heart was not focused on it.  I enjoyed the trip but again...my heart just wasn't in it.  I am ashamed to admit it but it is the truth.  When Tuesday came around I was excited most of the day and by the time we reached the hotel my heart was broken (I'll keep the "why" to myself as its personal and really it's kinda selfish) and I really just wanted to be home...in my bed...and away from everyone.

Sometimes I doubt myself, where the Lord has brought me, how He has provided and where He is taking me.  In the end I always come back to Him but I can make it so difficult.  Thursday night, Brother Tim Schmig preached a message on humility.  I needed that message.  I was reminded that I do not look at lost souls the way the Lord does.  I went to the alter and begged the Lord to touch my heart, help me to see the lost.  The last thing I want is someone going to hell because I didn't share the gospel.

My grandfather is laying in a hospital bed.  We are told he doesn't have much longer.  I'm not sure how long that really is, but I know that the end is coming.  My eyes are full of tears.  When my family first got saved, we would send Christmas gifts, Birthday Gifts, Fathers Day gifts and so on full of tracts and the gospel.  We would talk to Pop about getting saved.  He's a devout Catholic.  My heart breaks knowing I have not made it down to him.  Deep down inside I'm kind of scared to go.  I remember him as the man who always had something witty to say.  When he saw me he would smile and say "Hows my Ann Marie doing".  He'd give me great words of wisdom such as "Always have ice cream after dinner".  He would take me fishing, or out clothes shopping.  He'd always talk about his financial "woes".  He knew the best places to eat and always talked about how much he loves his wife.  I don't want to see him so vulnerable, weak and fragile.  Thats not who he is to me.  Pop and Nannie are like second parents to me.  They protected me, loved me, spoiled me, made time for me, encouraged me, helped me, and gave unconditionally that I would have a great life.  They have accepted my husband as their own.  I can't imagine either of them gone.  I don't want them to suffer but I dont' want them gone.  If I knew he was saved, I think it may be a little easier on me knowing that I WILL one day see him again...for eternity.

I feel as if my world is crashing down around me.  I know the Lord is there, protecting me, but the thought of my family not having time.  The thought of my grandfather going out into eternity.  The thought that I do not feel well most days.  Well...its overwhelming....and I can only get through this by leaning on Him...and trusting that He will Carry Me....

I know this is just a moment...and tomorrow may or may not be better...but eventually it will be behind me.  I am thankful for my friends and family.  I'm thankful for my Church.  I am thankful for my husband who has truly lived his vows...."I,Tim, take you, Ann, to be my wife; to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part." 

I really am thankful....I just had a moment....